President Trump (James Austin Johnson) laughed off rising gas prices and blamed the Epstein Files for America’s war with Iran in tonight’s “Saturday Night Live” cold open.

“Hi, it’s me, Donald Trump! You might remember me from such campaign promises as ‘lower gas prices’ and ‘no more wars.’ Psych! We love to make promises, because a promise is just a lie that hasn’t happened yet,” the president joked, after interrupting a family debating the costs of filling their car’s gas tank up. When the family’s son (Marcello Hernández) asked why gas costs so much right now, Johnson’s Trump said, “The Epstein Files! Kidding, but possibly not.”

“It’s called [the] Butterfly Effect, right?” The president explained. “Epstein was [the] first domino.” Moments later, Johnson’s Trump assured Americans, “We will win this war because Iran is old and nobody likes them. Iran is like ballet and opera, and we’re Timmy Chalamet kicking them while they’re down.”

“I have everything under control, okay? I’ve been meeting with the nation’s top minds: Jake Paul,” the president added, noting that Paul was “booed very badly at the Mike Tyson fight.” Johnson’s Trump then remarked, “We hate to hear boos,” which prompted Colin Jost’s Pete Hegseth to emerge from the back of the nearby family’s car to ask, “Did someone say booze?”

You can watch tonight’s “SNL” cold open yourself below.

Trump has a lot to discuss pic.twitter.com/L7lkCqrqrO

— Saturday Night Live (@nbcsnl) March 15, 2026

“If you’re wondering why I was in the backseat of this random family’s car, I’ll tell you the same thing I say when people ask about our plans for Iran: I don’t know!” Jost’s Secretary of War said. Addressing “SNL” viewers, he added, “The president called me here today to give you news on the war, okay? So listen up!”

“The news is we won. Hashtag winning!” Jost’s Hegseth claimed. “So you can stop asking me all about it, okay? Don’t even worry about it.” The Secretary of War then argued that “the real problem” is the people in the media who are “using what I do and say to make me look like a fool,” a complaint which prompted Johnson’s Trump to dryly respond, “Been there. I’ve been there before, partner.”

“All you dweebs, stop saying the Strait of Hormuz is closed. It’s wide open,” Jost’s Hegseth ordered. “Sure, there’s a bunch of landmines floating in the water — water mines, I guess. But if you’re an oil tanker and you’re driving and you see one of the mines, just do what I used to do at every DUI checkpoint: Close your eyes and gun it!”

“Great advice, Pete,” Johnson’s Trump praised.