ISO: Experienced Client Services Relations Specialist For One Phonecall

Call my dentist to reschedule my appointment.

Qualifications: Working phone, a smooth baritone voice.
Compensation: The free toothbrush from my visit. (To be mailed to your address at a later date.)

FINANCIAL ANALYST: CPA With a Keen Eye

Orchestrate a detailed audit of bank statements and recurring subscriptions to figure out why I’m losing $49.99/month.

Qualifications: Extreme discretion, basic Algebra aptitude.
Compensation: My Peacock login.

CASTING CALL: One-of-a-Kind Theatrical Experience

Pretend to be me at my roommate’s one-man show. I told him I’d go, but under no circumstances will I be there.

Qualifications: Must be between 160–165 lbs and vaguely look like me. (Photo attached.)
Compensation: The show of a lifetime, a deep dive into the psyche of a young Brooklynite with ADHD.

URGENT: Dogwalker (No Background Necessary!)

Looking for someone to come walk my dog right this second. He’s pawing at the door but it’s 10 degrees out, and I am so comfortable in bed.

Qualifications: Conversational Russian (he came from Russia and only responds to commands in Russian).
Compensation: Hanging out with my dog is its own reward.

SOS: Rescue Remote From Over There

Seeking someone, anyone at all, to come grab the remote from across the room. I can’t watch another re-run of the Masked Singer, but I also can’t get out from under these blankets.

Qualifications: You are my roommate, Michael (and to be honest, you’re closer anyway).
Compensation: You can stay and watch Survivor 50 with me (only if you’re also rooting for Cirie).

$30/HR Private Detective

Can’t find my favorite sweater. Hoping a fresh set of eyes will find it in 5 minutes.

Qualifications: You were great at I Spy as a child.
Compensation: $30/hr for a task done in 5 minutes shakes out to about $2.50, sorry.

💰🔥EARN $20K/Month In Passive Income While Living In Bali?! 💰🔥

See?! You clicked on this too! It’s not my fault that my computer has malware on it now because the average person would totally click on this! (If you’re still reading this, I’ll give you $50 to come take my computer to the genius bar.)

Qualifications: NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED! START TODAY!
Compensation: 10% share in UNICORN start up + incentives when you recruit three of your friends in your first month.

SEEKING: One Egg

Need someone to come deliver me one egg. ASAP. I misread the recipe and don’t have time to run to get another. I’m too scared to ask my neighbors because I already asked them for the ones I have.

Qualifications: You only shop organic.
Compensation: Free smells!

ISO: Experienced High-Stakes Negotiator For One Phonecall

Need someone to reschedule my dentist appointment again—also there’s a last-minute cancellation fee I need you to negotiate away.

Qualifications: Juris Doctor
Compensation: The free toothbrush from my visit. (To be mailed to your address at a later date.)

NOW HIRING: Pest Control Specialist / Wearer of Big-Ass Doc Martens

Desperately need someone to come squash this bug for me. It looks like a cross between a scorpion and a silverfish, but it can fly. I say again, it can fly.

Qualifications: The physical skill set needed to traverse through a security-alarmed laser field undetected.
Compensation: Scientific naming rights to a newly discovered species of insect.

Looking for Sephora Employee

What is a Rhode Sculpting Mask? GF wants one. Also while you’re here can you check out this mole on my neck?

Qualifications: You’re in Aisle 9.
Compensation: My complimentary Sephora birthday month gift.

FREE GIVEAWAY: Moisturizer Thing

My GF said I got the wrong thing. Lip not face mask.

Qualifications: Smarter than the last person.
Compensation: Face mask (lightly used on my lips by accident).

Research Study: Test Subject Needed

Can I make this jump between balconies?

Qualifications: Same height as me (34” inseam, short torso), not particularly athletic or brave, but definitely impulsive.
Compensation: I’ll let you play with whatever that shiny thing is on the other balcony when I’m done with it.

ISO: Dentist Who Can Come to My House and Sedate Me and Do The Works

This is the only way I am going to get whatever’s going on with my teeth sorted.

Qualifications: Owns a drill, has a kind smile, must take Concordia dental insurance.
Compensation: The free toothbrush from my visit.