Alright everybody, your resident beacon of hope is here who has brought you such hits as the worst deals of free agency and worst potential fits for remaining free agents. Today, I build the worst possible team ahead of the 2026 season.

Now, we won’t be going player-by-player to build a 53-man roster. Instead, we’ll go by position groups on offense and defense to construct a unit that could potentially go 0-17. And don’t worry, I’ll be building the best team in the coming days. Enjoy.

Quarterbacks: Cleveland Browns

What an interesting bunch of apples the Browns’ quarterback room is. One apple has a very successful father apple, who is in the apple Hall of Fame. However, that apple has since grown sour in the eyes of many fans for how he portrays himself since becoming the head coach of an apple school. But there are many cult-like fans of that apple, and those people should be avoided at all costs.

Then there’s the other apple who I’m not going to joke about because he allegedly did some really gross things and I don’t want to make light of that, but he is bad at football and the Browns gave him the largest fully guaranteed contract in NFL history after he allegedly did all of those things. What did $230 million buy them? Since 2022, amongst 77 quarterbacks to play 200 snaps, Watson ranks 69th in success rate. Dillon Gabriel, the third apple of this bunch, ranks dead last in 77th. What an impressively inept collection of bad football and worse PR.

Honorable mention: Arizona Cardinals

Running backs: Jacksonville Jaguars

Travis Etienne left in free agency, signing with the New Orleans Saints. That leaves Bhayshul Tuten and Chris Rodriguez as the team’s top two running backs, respectively. Tuten could end up being a solid starter, but he had less than 100 carries in 2025. The pair of running backs combined for just 807 yards in 2025.

Honorable mention: Denver Broncos

Wide receivers: Miami Dolphins

Their top receiver is 5-foot-8 Malik Washington, who caught 46 passes in 2025. They added TuTu Atwell, who is 5-foot-9 and had six catches last season. Jalen Tolbert towers over them at 6-foot-1 and had 18 catches with the Cowboys a season ago. This could very well enter the conversation of worst receiving groups of all time.

Honorable mention: Carolina Panthers

Tight ends: Miami Dolphins

Genuinely, this offense is going to be so fun to watch because of how bad it will be. Greg Dulcich is their No. 1 tight end – he’d be a No. 3 on a good team. They drafted two tight ends, Rookie Will Kacmarek is a blocker first and not much of a receiving threat while Seydou Traore was a fifth-round pick and it’s unknown what his role or ceiling will be. There is nothing on that offense not named De’Von Achane that will be worth watching, unless you’re the type of person who likes watching a nitroglycerin plant spontaneously combust 17 times.

Honorable mention: Tennessee Titans

Offensive line: Tennessee Titans

Cam Ward was sacked 55 times in 2025, which was tied for the most in the league. Tennessee did next to nothing to improve their struggling unit, with their only moves being to sign long-time backup center Austin Schlottmann and draft Arkansas guard Fernando Carmona in the fifth round.

Honorable mention: Miami Dolphins

Defensive line: Atlanta Falcons

The Falcons ranked 26th in EPA per rush and 24th in success rate against the run. Had they not played six games against NFC South opponents, those numbers would likely be lower. Maason Smith, Zach Harrison, and Brandon Dorlus are projected to be their three starters up front, all of whom ranked outside the top 40 in PFF grades for defensive linemen in 2025.

Honorable mention: Washington Commanders

Edge rushers: Carolina Panthers

The Panthers gave Jaelan Phillips a contract equal to the GDP of the state of North Carolina, signing him to a four-year, $120 million deal – the richest contract of the offseason despite him never recording more than 8.5 sacks in a season, and that 8.5 mark came back in 2021. Nic Scourton is their No. 2, and he had five sacks last year. Now, sacks aren’t everything, of course, but you’d like to have more production from your pass rushers, especially for the hefty price tag on Phillips.

Honorable mention: Tennessee Titans

Linebackers: Cincinnati Bengals

The Bengals relied heavily on rookies Demetrius Knight and Barrett Carter in 2025, both of whom were major disappointments. Knight had 18 missed tackles while Carter had 17. Knight ranked 83rd out of 88 qualified linebackers in PFF grades and Carter ranked 85th. While both are entering just their second years in the league, they need to make massive leaps forward.

Honorable mention: Indianapolis Colts

Secondary: Miami Dolphins

I promise this isn’t a bit, the Dolphins are just that bad. You could put the Cardinals here, seeing that they finished with a defensive drop back success rate that was 0.7 percent worse than the Dolphins, but Arizona at least has a promising piece in Will Johnson and a reliable veteran in Budda Baker. I like Chris Johnson, but the rest of Miami’s secondary is full of low-tier non-starters.

Honorable mention: Arizona Cardinals