Son of a bitch, that didn’t go well at all, did it? In all my years on the job, I’ve never seen a bank robbery fall apart so quickly and completely like that. This is mortifying, and what’s worse, I ended up losing money on this thing! Now I have to plan a job to recover from this job. I’m working backwards here.

And let me be clear before we break down the tape: I’m not blaming. I erred as much as anyone, and forgetting my gun at home probably should have been enough to reschedule the whole heist in the first place. I know that now. But still, let’s look at this disaster and maybe learn from our mistakes.

First of all, I thought we decided no masks? This is what I was worried about when we started sending messages on different platforms. The SMS group chat and Facebook group chat both said clearly “No masks,” but Wayne told me that you guys discussed it in an Instagram chat and voted to do the masks. It was too much to keep track of. Do you see now why I urged us to keep all relevant messaging in Slack and Discord?

Anyway, since I was able to hold my hand over my face, having forgotten my gun at home, I was able to adapt pretty well to not having a mask of my own. We really left Wayne out to dry, though. The way he was holding his gun really close to his face just confused people. No one could hear what he was yelling, either. The gun was muffling it.

Darren, this will upset you, and I think it’s great that you’ve been getting along with your kid again, but I don’t think you should have brought him along. I know I was outvoted, but still. He was obviously scared in there, and you were pretty distracted once it all got started. So I just wanted to say that while we were talking.

And Mad Dog, what happened back there, man? You were supposed to make sure the manager didn’t trigger the silent alarm, but when we started, you just emptied your gun in the air and yelled that you didn’t care if you lived or died. What the heck? You didn’t say anything like that when we were planning this job. Otherwise, I might have had you stay in the van.

I think our lack of coordination was evident from the start, and we failed to gain the employees’ and customers’ respect. And then after Tucker ran into Frank and they both dropped their guns, it was a lost cause. It was foolish of me to insist we continue.

Once we realized how badly Tucker had been shot with Frank’s gun, and vice versa, I really should have shut it down. But I figured since the alarms were already going off, we could at least shake down a few customers for their personal belongings and get something, anything, for our efforts on the way out. That was my call, and I own that.

The little girl who kicked my ass sure seemed like she had some sort of mixed martial arts training, or at the very least she watches a lot of the stuff. Either way, I respect her for letting me tap out, despite the absence of a referee. Good kid.

I don’t want to be all negative here, though. That won’t accomplish anything, and also, I don’t want to upset Mad Dog. So I will just say I think it’s great that we somehow got away, as battered and bloody as we were. Probably because it took the cops an hour and ten minutes to show up.

Maybe we can use that information to our advantage on the next job. You guys wanna meet up next week when we’re all feeling a little better? Darren, could you try to get a sitter?