***

One day I might regret my choice. Maybe I’ll think I was clinging to or caving into some ridiculous notion of gender roles. Maybe not. I don’t think it really matters. No matter what happens, Rachael and I will look at each other on our wedding day — and every day after — and see love. 

Maybe it gets to be not-that-serious. 

*** 

Shame is like whack-a-mole, isn’t it? You smash it once and it pops up again somewhere else. Sometimes, I feel ashamed of choosing the wedding, the marriage, the dress. Should I be boycotting it all? Should I be more evolved than taking part in this patriarchal, heteronormative institution? Am I doing queerness wrong? Who’s to say?

The fact that none of this was built for or by people like me is a huge part of why I want it. I guess it’s a little spiteful. I want to say, take that. Take that, priest from my childhood church. Take that, media that showed me queerness was an absurd joke or a dangerous choice or worse. Take that, shame that made two five-year-olds afraid and kept at least one of them feeling that way for years and years and years.

You couldn’t stop me. None of you. And those things I thought I heard Haley implying about my being the wrong kind of woman and not part of The Club? I’ve realized I was really hearing them from myself. I assumed what could and could not be true of and for me. And I was wrong.

I now know that to wear my beautiful dress is to say take that to the stories I’ve told myself. 

On our wedding day Rachael and I will dress for love. Our garments, no matter what they may or may not mean or signal or share about us, will celebrate it. And when we behold each other — and are beholden by everyone around us — we will see nothing but radiance. 

Note: Some names and details have been changed to protect the privacy of individuals mentioned in this essay.

Elle Warren is a writer from Michigan based in Chicago. She is working on a memoir about the intersections between OCD, queerness, grief, and a culture of silence. By day, she works as a mental health content writer. Find her at @ellewarrenwrites on Instagram.

This article originally appeared on HuffPost in June 2024.