Phil,

We have Beth. Above all, no cops and no FBI. Tell NO ONE that she is missing if you want to see her again. For her safe return, you must raise a significant sum of money. Yes, we know you don’t have it and you’ve been living paycheck to paycheck, but we will instruct you on exactly what to do to get your life together:

1. Do not speak to anyone, including family. If someone asks, simply tell them that you and Beth had an argument and she is out of state with friends.

2. Every day, you must be home before 9 P.M. and in bed before 10 P.M. We are watching your every movement, so we will know.

3. You will also need to make small changes to your routine so no one suspects. Until you are told you otherwise, you are only allowed to use cannabis on weekends. You cannot act out of the ordinary and, despite what you think, everyone can tell when you’re high.

4. Withdraw all funds from your Draft Kings account and delete the app from your phone. Stop wasting money that you could use for the ransom.

5. Also, when was the last time you watched something on Mubi? They charge you every month regardless! Cancel the obscure streaming services you don’t actually use.

6. On Monday, go to work as normal and speak to Diane McDaniels from payroll. Sign up for the 401K and set your contributions to max out the employer match.

7. We know that you finished a novel three years ago and it’s really good. Starting today, you will stop letting it languish. You will compose an email daily with a query to a literary agent. You MUST sell this novel.

8. If you must confide in someone, talk to Dan and Gina. They’ve done what they’ve had to do to look out for your best interest since middle school. You can trust their advice, and they’ll keep this a secret.

9. Do NOT talk to your mom. She has always been a toxic influence in your life. She’s constantly comparing you to your lawyer brother, who is not only an ambulance chaser—at best—but also drives a Cybertruck and is a complete and total narcissist.

10. All this must be completed by the end of the day on the 15th. NO EXCUSES! NO EXCEPTIONS! We don’t want to hear that you’ll get around to it. Get these things done. You’re 46, for Christ’s sake, and your friends are tired of celebrating yet another sad birthday at Dave & Busters.

Signed,

Group X