After successfully implementing a pitch clock designed to make games shorter, Major League Baseball has announced a surprisingly robust list of rule changes to the 2026-2027 regular season. While sure to be controversial, only time will tell if these changes help or hurt the game once they’re implemented next year.

1. The designated hitter has to do something around the dugout while the guys are out there. Enough already.
2. Three pitchers on the mound at once, taking turns. (Move over, pitch clock!)
3. A mysterious, hidden “Fourth Base” that players must locate before they’re allowed to take home and score. Fourth Base will be invisible and its location determined by a partial committee operating out of Wichita, Kansas.
4. A minimum of one bench clearing brawl per game. This will occur during the seventh inning stretch if it hasn’t happened organically by then.
5. Home runs no longer count if the batter didn’t point to where it was going to go first. This will be known as “The Babe Ruth Rule”
6. Fourth Base’s secret, invisible location is not to be more than 100 feet from home plate, and must be in the field of play.
7. One player has to wear the mascot suit while fielding, to rotate every inning.
8. A Super Umpire will be added, who watches the umpires and can throw them out of the game if deemed necessary.
9. Fourth Base will change locations at randomized times throughout the game, so as to not settle into any predictable pattern.
10. Batters at the top of the first inning will do that dizzy spinny-bat thing, to start things off in a light hearted manner, before the inevitable bench clearing brawl.
11. Players can do a little steroids now.
12. If a player is interrogated by an active baserunner about the location of Fourth Base, they cannot lie, but are not required to answer.
13. Television viewers will be notified of Fourth Base’s current location via a glowing orb superimposed onto the screen. The MLB has warned of potential burn-in imaging issues with the orb, and claims it has waived any liability by warning viewers of the prospective damage to their television sets.
14. In addition to the national anthem, games will now begin with a shared oath of allegiance to Fourth Base.
15. In the likely event that Fourth Base becomes angry at some point during the game, a sacrifice shall be offered in the form of a virginal spectator, if that is what Fourth Base indicates would please it.
16. Games will no longer be delayed due to weather. Fourth Base decides any and all stoppages henceforth.
17. Not to be confused with Fourth Base, one land mine will be buried in the outfield before each game. Players will be allowed to mark and avoid it, but may not dig it up with their hands or cleats.
18. People with pacemakers are encouraged to avoid the stadiums until Fourth Base has been tested out a little more. Similar warnings have been issued for fans currently experiencing asthma, limps, and homesickness.
19. In the middle of the sixth inning, a tithing bucket will be passed around the stadium. These proceeds go to Fourth Base and fans are not to question their disbursement. Fourth Base will pay no taxes on these donations.
20. No more automatic runners in extra innings.