While the rest of the world was busy pretending to care about the Olympics or whatever, the European Broadcasting Union and their pals at European Athletics just dropped the most brain-dead set of “guidelines” since kale smoothies.

Titled “Raising the Bar” (because nothing says elite athleticism like neutering the broadcast), these new rules are basically a middle finger to every red-blooded dude who tunes into women’s track and field for… well, you know why.

The crime they’re trying to stop? Those glorious low-angle shots, slow-mo replays of sprinters in full stride, and the kind of zoom-ins that make you forget the actual race for a second. No more lingering on the goods during pole vault, no tight shots from behind in the 100-meter, and definitely no crotch-level heroics that have fueled countless group chats since the dawn of HD TV. Instead, we’re getting “focus on technique and emotion.”

Congrats, you’ve just turned women’s athletics into a PBS documentary narrated by a sad accountant.

Look, we’re not saying every broadcast needs to be a Victoria’s Secret runway with spikes. But let’s be brutally honest here, the hot bodies in motion are a massive part of why a decent chunk of guys even bother flipping on women’s sports. Biology didn’t get the memo about your feelings. These athletes train like absolute savages, sculpt physiques that could launch a thousand OnlyFans accounts, and then some pencil-pushing virtue signaler in Brussels decides the camera needs to treat them like they’re competing in burqas.

The EBU’s own guide literally calls out “sexualized” shots as a big no-no. Lingering on the glutes? Red card. Slow-mo that accidentally highlights the goods? Straight to sensitivity training. Meanwhile, men’s sports keep their slow-mo dunk replays and sweaty celebration hugs without a single complaint. Equality, baby!

This is peak clown world. Women’s sports have been fighting for eyeballs forever. The WNBA, women’s soccer, and track, they all lean on the fact that the product looks good on camera. Take away the visual pop that nature provided and what are you left with? Slower, less explosive action that most casual fans aren’t dying to watch. Good luck selling that to advertisers when the numbers tank harder than a bad Tinder date.

Shoutout to the athletes who apparently complained about this. We get it, focus on the sport. But pretending the camera work that made stars out of certain legends wasn’t a factor is just gaslighting at this point. The data doesn’t lie: sex sells. Always has. Europe just decided to kneecap it in the name of “respect.”