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WE DIDN’T NEED A SWOLE POP-TART WITH BUFF ARMS

WE DIDN’T NEED A SWOLE POP-TART WITH BUFF ARMS

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I don’t know what the hell has been going on over in the Pop-Tart factory, but I don’t want any part of it. What used to be a fun, lighthearted football game to determine which anthropomorphic pastry would be selected for ritualistic sacrifice turned into a hellscape this week with the unveiling of “Protein Slammin’ Strawberry.”

I hate this Pop-Tart Giga Chad with the strength of a thousand suns. Do I think it’s neat there’s a protein Pop-Tart now? Absolutely. Am I excited that there’s a quick throw-together breakfast I can give to my daughter in the car when we’re running behind that doesn’t make he feel like a total reprobate by not providing her with a balanced breakfast? Damn straight. Does that mean I am willing to stomach a swole Pop-Tart staring at me with its cold, dead eyes while boasting arms that could bench press 400.

The thing I hate the most about Protein Slammin’ Strawberry is that it has completely upended what I thought I knew about Pop-Tart anatomy. All of the other tarts have their arms protruding just below eye level, which makes them fun and cartoony. Swole Tart, on the other hand, has them coming out of the top of his head like some sort of a monster. It’s also made me think way too much about the arms of a Pop-Tart in general, such as:

If you ripped off Protein Slammin’ Stawberry’s arms and roasted them at 400 degrees, what do you get at the end? Are these merely buff looking pastry arms, leading to a blackened, burned dough logs — or, much more alarmingly, is the protein in the Pop-Tart localized to the arms? In that instance these could be filled with meat, leading you to open the oven and being met with something that’s a cross between a Pop-Tart covered beef wellington or a grotesque ham of some sort.

At this point I need someone to win and for the victor to choose to end Protein Pop-Tart’s life on live TV. I need to know what those arms are made out of. I hate that I have been made to think like this, but I blame the Pop-Tarts Bowl.

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Deadspin | Lawyer: Lawrence Taylor still hospitalized with stomach-related issue Lawrence Taylor is surrounded by fans Giants during Fan Fest at MetLife Stadium to celebrate 100 Seasons of the New York Giants, Friday, Sept. 6, 2024. A week after Lawrence Taylor was first hospitalized, the Pro Football Hall of Famer is still being treated for “a stomach-related issue,” his attorney said Monday. The announcement was the first official news about the condition of Taylor, 67, since he reportedly arrived at the emergency room on April 20 before being admitted. Attorney Mark Eiglarsh said of Taylor, “At this time, the condition does not appear to be life-threatening. He remains under medical observation and is showing signs of improvement.” A potential discharge date remains unknown. Eiglarsh added, “Lawrence asks that I convey his sincere gratitude to everyone who has been thinking of him and keeping him in their prayers during this challenging time.” Considered one of the top defensive players in NFL history, Taylor was a three-time Defensive Player of the Year, eight-time All-Pro and 10-time Pro Bowl selection during his 13-year career with the New York Giants. In 1986, Taylor recorded 20.5 sacks en route to being named the NFL MVP. Taylor, a key part of two Super Bowl championship runs for New York, was selected by the Giants with the second overall pick of the 1981 NFL Draft out of North Carolina. After leaving the NFL, Taylor publicly battled substance abuse issues. –Field Level Media #Deadspin #Lawyer #Lawrence #Taylor #hospitalized #stomachrelated #issueLawrence Taylor is surrounded by fans Giants during Fan Fest at MetLife Stadium to celebrate 100 Seasons of the New York Giants, Friday, Sept. 6, 2024.

A week after Lawrence Taylor was first hospitalized, the Pro Football Hall of Famer is still being treated for “a stomach-related issue,” his attorney said Monday.

The announcement was the first official news about the condition of Taylor, 67, since he reportedly arrived at the emergency room on April 20 before being admitted.

Attorney Mark Eiglarsh said of Taylor, “At this time, the condition does not appear to be life-threatening. He remains under medical observation and is showing signs of improvement.”

A potential discharge date remains unknown.


Eiglarsh added, “Lawrence asks that I convey his sincere gratitude to everyone who has been thinking of him and keeping him in their prayers during this challenging time.”

Considered one of the top defensive players in NFL history, Taylor was a three-time Defensive Player of the Year, eight-time All-Pro and 10-time Pro Bowl selection during his 13-year career with the New York Giants.

In 1986, Taylor recorded 20.5 sacks en route to being named the NFL MVP.

Taylor, a key part of two Super Bowl championship runs for New York, was selected by the Giants with the second overall pick of the 1981 NFL Draft out of North Carolina.

After leaving the NFL, Taylor publicly battled substance abuse issues.


–Field Level Media

#Deadspin #Lawyer #Lawrence #Taylor #hospitalized #stomachrelated #issue">Deadspin | Lawyer: Lawrence Taylor still hospitalized with stomach-related issue Lawrence Taylor is surrounded by fans Giants during Fan Fest at MetLife Stadium to celebrate 100 Seasons of the New York Giants, Friday, Sept. 6, 2024. A week after Lawrence Taylor was first hospitalized, the Pro Football Hall of Famer is still being treated for “a stomach-related issue,” his attorney said Monday. The announcement was the first official news about the condition of Taylor, 67, since he reportedly arrived at the emergency room on April 20 before being admitted. Attorney Mark Eiglarsh said of Taylor, “At this time, the condition does not appear to be life-threatening. He remains under medical observation and is showing signs of improvement.” A potential discharge date remains unknown. Eiglarsh added, “Lawrence asks that I convey his sincere gratitude to everyone who has been thinking of him and keeping him in their prayers during this challenging time.” Considered one of the top defensive players in NFL history, Taylor was a three-time Defensive Player of the Year, eight-time All-Pro and 10-time Pro Bowl selection during his 13-year career with the New York Giants. In 1986, Taylor recorded 20.5 sacks en route to being named the NFL MVP. Taylor, a key part of two Super Bowl championship runs for New York, was selected by the Giants with the second overall pick of the 1981 NFL Draft out of North Carolina. After leaving the NFL, Taylor publicly battled substance abuse issues. –Field Level Media #Deadspin #Lawyer #Lawrence #Taylor #hospitalized #stomachrelated #issue

Deadspin | Shai Gilgeous-Alexander, Thunder finish sweep of Suns Apr 27, 2026; Phoenix, Arizona, USA; Oklahoma City Thunder guard Shai Gilgeous-Alexander (2) against the Phoenix Suns in the first half during game four of the first round of the 2026 NBA Playoffs at Mortgage Matchup Center. Mandatory Credit: Mark J. Rebilas-Imagn Images Shai Gilgeous-Alexander recorded 31 points and eight assists as the Oklahoma City Thunder finished off a four-game first-round playoff sweep with a 131-122 victory over the host Phoenix Suns on Monday night. Chet Holmgren added 24 points and 12 rebounds and Ajay Mitchell had 22 points and six assists as the top-seeded Thunder swept their opening Western Conference series for the third straight season. Isaiah Hartenstein produced 18 points and 12 rebounds and Alex Caruso added 14 points off the bench for Oklahoma City. Mitchell and Caruso each made four 3-pointers for the Thunder, who will face either the Los Angeles Lakers or Houston Rockets in the second round. Devin Booker scored 24 points and Dillon Brooks and Jalen Green added 23 apiece for the Suns, who were swept in the first round for the second straight playoff appearance, the other occurring in 2024. Phoenix has lost 10 consecutive playoff games dating back to 2023. Collin Gillespie made six 3-pointers while scoring 20 points for the Suns. The Thunder again played without Jalen Williams (hamstring), who was hurt in Game 2. Oklahoma City shot 53.7% from the field, including 17 of 34 from 3-point range. The Suns made 53.3% of their attempts and were 14 of 39 (35.9%) from behind the arc. Grayson Allen has 12 points for Phoenix. Mitchell and Gilgeous-Alexander each buried treys in the final 35 seconds of the first half, and the Thunder held a 75-67 lead at the break. Gilgeous-Alexander scored 17 in the half for Oklahoma City, which made 61.4% of its shots in the opening two quarters. Gillespie made five 3-pointers and all six of his field-goal attempts while scoring 17 in the half. The Suns shot 59.5% over the first 24 minutes. Oklahoma City’s biggest lead in the opening half was 11. The Thunder matched that in the third quarter on Gilgeous-Alexander’s three-point play with 7:26 remaining in the period. Just over two minutes later, Holmgren drilled a 3-pointer to make it 95-80. The Suns soon answered with eight straight points — five from Booker, three from Brooks — to move within 99-92 with 2:55 to go in the period. The Thunder led 106-98 entering the fourth quarter, and Hartenstein converted a three-point play to start the final frame. Gilgeous-Alexander’s layup made it 122-106 with 5:23 left as Oklahoma City finished off the sweep. –Field Level Media #Deadspin #Shai #GilgeousAlexander #Thunder #finish #sweep #SunsApr 27, 2026; Phoenix, Arizona, USA; Oklahoma City Thunder guard Shai Gilgeous-Alexander (2) against the Phoenix Suns in the first half during game four of the first round of the 2026 NBA Playoffs at Mortgage Matchup Center. Mandatory Credit: Mark J. Rebilas-Imagn Images

Shai Gilgeous-Alexander recorded 31 points and eight assists as the Oklahoma City Thunder finished off a four-game first-round playoff sweep with a 131-122 victory over the host Phoenix Suns on Monday night.

Chet Holmgren added 24 points and 12 rebounds and Ajay Mitchell had 22 points and six assists as the top-seeded Thunder swept their opening Western Conference series for the third straight season.

Isaiah Hartenstein produced 18 points and 12 rebounds and Alex Caruso added 14 points off the bench for Oklahoma City. Mitchell and Caruso each made four 3-pointers for the Thunder, who will face either the Los Angeles Lakers or Houston Rockets in the second round.

Devin Booker scored 24 points and Dillon Brooks and Jalen Green added 23 apiece for the Suns, who were swept in the first round for the second straight playoff appearance, the other occurring in 2024. Phoenix has lost 10 consecutive playoff games dating back to 2023.

Collin Gillespie made six 3-pointers while scoring 20 points for the Suns.

The Thunder again played without Jalen Williams (hamstring), who was hurt in Game 2.

Oklahoma City shot 53.7% from the field, including 17 of 34 from 3-point range.


The Suns made 53.3% of their attempts and were 14 of 39 (35.9%) from behind the arc. Grayson Allen has 12 points for Phoenix.

Mitchell and Gilgeous-Alexander each buried treys in the final 35 seconds of the first half, and the Thunder held a 75-67 lead at the break.

Gilgeous-Alexander scored 17 in the half for Oklahoma City, which made 61.4% of its shots in the opening two quarters. Gillespie made five 3-pointers and all six of his field-goal attempts while scoring 17 in the half. The Suns shot 59.5% over the first 24 minutes.

Oklahoma City’s biggest lead in the opening half was 11. The Thunder matched that in the third quarter on Gilgeous-Alexander’s three-point play with 7:26 remaining in the period.

Just over two minutes later, Holmgren drilled a 3-pointer to make it 95-80.

The Suns soon answered with eight straight points — five from Booker, three from Brooks — to move within 99-92 with 2:55 to go in the period.

The Thunder led 106-98 entering the fourth quarter, and Hartenstein converted a three-point play to start the final frame. Gilgeous-Alexander’s layup made it 122-106 with 5:23 left as Oklahoma City finished off the sweep.

–Field Level Media

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Deadspin | Padres’ Manny Machado leaves game; reason unclear Apr 27, 2026; San Diego, California, USA; San Diego Padres third baseman Manny Machado (13) hits a single during the first inning against the Chicago Cubs at Petco Park. Mandatory Credit: Denis Poroy-Imagn Images Padres third baseman Manny Machado left San Diego’s Monday game against the visiting Chicago Cubs after the sixth inning. The cause wasn’t immediately known. Machado grounded out to third to end the bottom of the sixth and didn’t return on defense for the seventh. He left the game with three hits, including two doubles, and three runs. San Diego’s training staff was shown on Padres TV rubbing Machado’s left calf. Ty France moved from first base to third and Gavin Sheets was inserted at first to take Machado’s cleanup spot in the lineup. At the time of Machado’s departure, San Diego owned a 6-5 lead. In the past four games, including Monday, Machado went 8-for-18 (.444) with eight runs. He hit two homers and drove in five runs on Sunday in the Padres’ 12-7 loss to the Arizona Diamondbacks in Mexico City. –Field Level Media #Deadspin #Padres #Manny #Machado #leaves #game #reason #unclearApr 27, 2026; San Diego, California, USA; San Diego Padres third baseman Manny Machado (13) hits a single during the first inning against the Chicago Cubs at Petco Park. Mandatory Credit: Denis Poroy-Imagn Images

Padres third baseman Manny Machado left San Diego’s Monday game against the visiting Chicago Cubs after the sixth inning. The cause wasn’t immediately known.

Machado grounded out to third to end the bottom of the sixth and didn’t return on defense for the seventh. He left the game with three hits, including two doubles, and three runs.


San Diego’s training staff was shown on Padres TV rubbing Machado’s left calf. Ty France moved from first base to third and Gavin Sheets was inserted at first to take Machado’s cleanup spot in the lineup.

At the time of Machado’s departure, San Diego owned a 6-5 lead.

In the past four games, including Monday, Machado went 8-for-18 (.444) with eight runs. He hit two homers and drove in five runs on Sunday in the Padres’ 12-7 loss to the Arizona Diamondbacks in Mexico City.


–Field Level Media

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