The 2026 FIFA World Cup draw aired on Friday, and I’m envious if you didn’t waste your time on the worst sports-adjacent broadcast of all time. It somehow managed to have everything, and nothing — with a two-hour run time which found a way to be devoid of entertainment, and overflowing with cringe embarrassment, culminating with a fake, made-up award so FIFA president Gianni Infantino could curry favor with President Donald Trump in front of a global audience.

It all kicked off with two hosts who had zero chemistry. Heidi Klum, who we assume was picked because she’s a German-American, and Kevin Hart who was chosen because he will accept any job that pays him money. Klum did her best to carry the broadcast, while Hart quipped about not reading the script, forcing sad jokes, and plugging his Netflix special in the middle of the damn draw.

We then got the anthem of the World Cup, which could have pulled from the incredible musical legacies of the United States, Canada, and Mexico. Instead we had Robbie Williams perform “Desire” with Nicole Scherzinger. I was going to embed the video of the song here, as my way of sharing part of the pain — but FIFA has blocked embeds. Now you have to click here to find it and punish yourself with this ass song.

Was it time for the draw? Hell no, because the moment one man was waiting for had arrived: Giving Donald Trump a fake, made-up FIFA Peace Prize award to make him feel better about not getting a Nobel.

What ensued was a solid 20 minutes of Infantino bragging about what a wonderful man Trump was and how he’s changed the world. Trump credited himself with saving “10 million lives” by brokering peace between The Democratic Republic of Congo and Rwanda, which he said has led to “10 million deaths” before he intervened.

There have been 3,000 deaths since the conflict began in 2022, which is a number fewer than 10 million.

Then Trump got a medal, which he picked up the same way I carry a bag of dog poop after a walk.

The FIFA Peace Prize trophy, which was larger than the World Cup itself, appeared to be a shriveled, damaged globe being supported by the wisened hands of the dead thrusting their arms from the grave.

It was then speech time for Trump, who asserted that the NFL should be forced to change its name, because soccer is the true football. He also said he used to watch Pelé play for the New York Cosmos, who he “assumed was a great.”

With that block of garbage over we then had a totally meaningless photo op for Infantino, who brimmed with excitement like a toddler that he got to take a selfie with Donald Trump as the U.S. president, Mexico’s Claudia Sheinbaum and Canadian Prime Minister Mark Carney ceremonially drew balls for their own teams in an utterly pointless waste of time. Even Trump mocked the proceedings and how worthless it all was.

Next up was Lauryn Hill, which was the only part of this worth a damn. It was great. And she was on time!

Then a “skit” featuring Rio Ferdinand, Matthew McConaughey, and Salma Hayek. I use quotation marks around “skit,” because it was so painful to watch. I would have rather had a root canal. Though Salma did tease a special guest to help Rio with the complicated draw process, which could be ANYONE — nah, it was some children in another prerecorded sketch that was painful.

FINALLY it was time for the actual draw. The highlight was Wayne Gretzky struggling to pronounce almost every nation’s name. The man was sweating bullets and not sure how he drew the short straw of announcing all the playoff teams.

To close the show was The Village People, who I assume were only booked so Trump could do his little child dance, but they only cut to him once and he didn’t dance. It’s entirely likely this was the first time he ever saw The Village People or realized they were LGBTQ icons.

So, there you have it. A sports show that had 15 minutes of sports and almost two hours of pointless crap. I’m going to leave now and get some fresh air. I need to remember there’s actual beauty in the world.