Slip the bamboo staff inside your robes, they don’t allow weapons in the arena. General Tzu, follow me up these four sets of escalators. No, we are not “seeking higher ground,” we’re in the 500 level.

Hurry, these seats set me back. Many copper coins. I want you to see the players warming up. Look for number thirty. He’s probably in the tunnel, about to fire up a forty-footer. You can appreciate that kind of long-range arsenal. You were into catapults, right? Oh, fire arrows. Well, just wait until Curry catches fire.

Not the spice, the player. Steph Curry. He’s fast, he’s crafty, and he will plunge the dagger at the end of the night. Not literally.

Oh no, my phone says he’s not playing tonight. Huge letdown. No, Sun, nobody destroyed his willingness to engage. It’s called Load Management.

Mr. Tzu, you famously said, “He who will win knows when to fight and when not to fight.” That begs the question: how the hell will “he win” if “he” doesn’t fight? The teams play 82 regular season battles, then if they are lucky, maybe twenty more playoff games. Yes, one hundred battles is overkill. That’s part of the reason most of the league is kind of like the walking wounded. Zombies. Remind me after the game to fill you in on zombies.

It would be like if you took your staff to your best warrior’s knee. 82 times. Even your bravest fighter will collapse after about sixty bamboo whacks. It’s a hypothetical, I know there is no evidence that you used torture tactics.

I’m trying to explain to you—during this timeout—why I dragged you out here and the best player isn’t playing. No, General, the dancing ladies are not concubines.

You know who else doesn’t play in these games? Players involved in gambling scandals. No, they did not fall in battle, they were excommunicated. Banned for life. I’m not kidding, they actually intentionally played poorly or faked injuries. Sun, the FBI investigated. I know you are all about fighting with honor, much in the same way the NBA is all about the integrity of the game.

Despite the lack of star power, the game we’re watching is not that bad. The fourth quarter is going to be tighter than the skin on one of your war drums. I see you’re a bit hungry. Wave and that vendor will come over to our seats. With your hand, not with the staff. No, I don’t think he sells wild soybeans or fish taken from the Yangtze.

Wait, where did all the players go? Why are there only guys on two-way contracts out there now? I agree, Sun, it’s like an army waving a white flag. They call it tanking. Losing battles on purpose.

Yes, I did say individual players that tank are banned. I don’t know why it’s fine when entire teams do it. Back in your day they would have killed themselves before they gave up in battle. Yes, I did say integrity.

If a team loses enough, they may get a really good player in the draft. In the NBA, one great warrior can make a big difference. Exactly, tanking is clever. Yes, kind of like the strategy of retreating to fight the next battle. But if we come back next week they will still be trying to lose. It’s a long-term strategy. They might tank for years, seeking a singular fighter. You might say that fully a third of NBA teams are losing entire wars on purpose. Yes, the players are following the coach, their General, into the “deepest valley.”

It’s fine, we can leave now. I promise, I will never bring you to another NBA game. You are right General Tzu, they don’t deserve the names Warriors or Kings.