Dear [Applicant_FirstName],

Thank you for taking the time to apply for an internship with us. Your interest in our company means a great deal, especially from a Nobel laureate like yourself!

We regret to inform you that the position has been filled by my nephew.

While your CV, cover letter, and interview were formidable, we have decided to go with a candidate whose skill set is a closer match for the specific requirements of this role. Namely, we were looking for someone who is my sister’s son, invites me to tap recitals, and doesn’t correct me at the Thanksgiving table when I say something racist.

It was a tough choice, but when it came down to it, Garrett, my darling nephew, felt like he was already part of the Langley family.

Your awards and honors were of course impressive, and we’re sure they’ll decorate a cubicle someday very soon. It’s not often we interview a candidate who was a Fulbright and Rhodes scholar with a PhD from Yale. But my beloved nephew made me an ashtray in third grade—demonstrating his attention to detail (I love cigars)—so the competition was stiff.

You asked several thought-provoking questions during the interview, such as “Is this internship paid?” and “What exactly do y’all do here?” This made us really examine ourselves as a company, and we concluded we’d rather work with my sweet nephew, Garrett.

Ultimately, we made the difficult decision to move forward with the candidate whose family tree aligns more closely with my own.

We know this must be disappointing after five rounds of virtual interviews, three phone calls, and one in-person meeting during which I muttered “My nephew Garrett would never wear that.” This, of course, had nothing to do with our decision. Just an observation.

And we know what you’re thinking: This is some sort of “nepo-baby” situation. This “mysterious and probably handsome nephew” didn’t even interview for the position. First of all, my gentle nephew Garrett is not a “baby.” He’s 28. I think. Second of all, he can’t interview for accessibility reasons. Interviews really stress him out and he can’t talk that well when people ask him questions. It’s medical—have some empathy.

We’ll keep your information on file in case someone in our family does 23andMe and it turns out we are related.

We wish you the best of luck in your professional endeavors, and we invite you to apply for another internship this summer.

Although, I do have a niece.

All the best,

Stuart Langley

Langley and Langley and Langley Inc.